Happy belated crimbo, Julianites! We got what WE wanted from Santa: a preorder of the unwritten Assange memoirs. It’s never too early, you know.
We’ve come across this photo of Julian giving fashion tips to this ill-dressed soul. Leave it to our man to look good in a classic suit typically worn by government scum.
People, don’t get apoplectic, we know full well a whole day went by without a dose of Mr. Assange but the whole staff has been busy with the holiday baking, filling out orders for the much in demand Julianhead cookies.
It’s been a feat, as quite a few of them get passionately scoffed as soon as they’re decorated.
The Assange Assortment comes with a variety of hairstyles, thoughtful/stern expressions and anonymising eyewear. £14.99 for a dozen. All proceeds go to our umbrella company, the Julian Assange Appreciation Society.
If you look very closely, you can see the gentleman in the funny hat and high vis vest eyeing Julian wantonly as the latter slinks gracefully into his vehicle. At JAIG we’ve always known Mr. Assange’s appeal crossed gender boundaries and hold no judgement against this fellow.
How do you suppose, Julianites, does mansion living suit our hero? We suspect he’s shunned the false comforts of the cozy English countryside and has demanded that his quarters be stripped down to ascetic necessities such as floors, a laptop and WPA2 encryption.
Look, you British tabloids, you can call Julian a ho all you want. But we dare you: YOU try being a tall, fine and mysterious idealist and not attract the ladies. Go on, try it.
JAIG understands. We forgive you, Julian, because we know that bedding an endless steam of admirers is simply part of the job.
We’ve taken a number and are queuing patiently.
It’s a cold Saturday night, the bitter snows of injustice are swirling outside, but here at JAIG we’re relaxing by the fire with our Wikileaks logo emblazoned electric slanket and a few bottles of Australian riesling. It’s been a long week.
And so, with a smooch from the dashing Mr. Assange himself, we bid all the Julianites good night.
Do you know what’s sexier than a man who looks good in a casually draped scarf? A man who loves his momma.
We’re head over heels for the spiky hair, Julian, like so much silver tinsel. Honestly, we’d love for you to come deck our halls.
We’re at a loss for words! Doesn’t he look so natural and statuesque against the backdrop of that snowy mansion? It must be the purity of winter landscape that offsets him so well.
And is that a cup of hot cocoa in your hand, Julian? Enjoy it, it’s the least you deserve.
Well, needless to say tonight we are the happiest blog on the internets.
We are elated - although not altogether surprised - to see Julian looking so well after his ordeal. We sincerely hope he’ll be perscribed a nice hot bath very soon, given his troubling lack of coat against the snowy London skies. You can’t lead the fight for information freedom if you catch your death.
Oh, Julian, we should mention that JAIG has diversivied to offer grooming services if you’re after some post incarceration rejuvination. Operators are standing by.